I’ve never understood why, when there is a world crisis, someone goes ‘Quick, to the BBC!’ and they all march there, as if this was the best solution possible. As if they’d gone into a meeting and after much contemplation, graph-drawing, diagrams, mind-maps, video conferences and in-depth briefings, they thought ‘the BBC must be vehicle behind such widespread turmoil’ and ran out. What nonsense. I can imagine them there now. ‘Oi! Cameron! Get out of there! What, you scared? Just ‘cos you own the BBC and that house in London an’ that?! Yeah? Well, let me tell you, my son, you ain’t the boss of me!’ It doesn’t work (by the way, Cameron doesn’t own the BBC and all these people sound like Ray Winstone, in case you were wondering). Pointless protest is not a protest. It has to mean something. ‘Oh, summat’s up with the plumbing. Er, quick, everyone go to Sky! Oi, Murdoch, I got a toilet leak and I don’t like it one bit. Fix it before the urine touches my bath mat, you ponce!’ It’s just mindless and will not solve anything. We need to conduct ourselves properly and gain a better understanding of the circumstances in front of us, before throwing ourselves in whole-heartedly. Protests have probably been around since caveman, although I’m assuming the John Lennon ‘lying down’ revolt hadn’t even been imagined by our grunting predecessors. They were probably more violent in their protests, beginning with a Captain Caveman yelp before diving into battle, clubbing people, plants, rocks, birds, oxygen, the meaning of life, hair; basically, hitting anything in their wake. Now we’ve developed as a people and are able to do things in petition form, the content of which can range from ‘Get a new government in!’ to ‘I want the lead singer of Franz Ferdinand to change his hairstyle’.
Another recent development is the advent of social networking. ‘Is my mate biting his nails? Let’s check Facebook, he always posts that sort of humdrum trivia’. This constant need for telling ‘friends’ (I use the term so loosely, it is highly likely to slip through my fingers) about each action through a status update is something which I have not quite got to grips with. Before I launch into a verbal gladiatorial attack on these sites, I too am a member of some of these. But my rant is not a case of ‘people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones’, it’s more of a ‘let’s make this glass house bulletproof’. So, onwards and upwards. What are the flaws of social networking?
Setting up parties on Facebook is pretty much always going to end in disappointment. Most people leave RSVP’s on ‘maybe’ for the sake of sympathy, a ‘throw the dog a bone’ gesture which leaves little to the imagination; you have no intention of attending such a gathering. So my first idea here is that all the RSVP’s should be hidden, there should be no choice; and until half the people are going to the advertised event, that figure also remains hidden so you don’t look so lonely. Plus, you don’t want some random bloke you used to go to school with turning up, being all loutish and cantankerous, as if his sole purpose was to taint the party with barbaric antics and vomit. So make sure you don’t fall into the trap of inviting everyone your Facebook list. I also mentioned earlier about how it refers the people linked to your profile as ‘friends’. They should change this to ‘acquaintances’. They’re not really friends, are they? You met ‘em once, and you haven’t uttered another word to them since. Remove them from your list. Unless they’re useful to know. In which case, you may want to return to sycophantic ways and make sure that the imprints made by your lips are firmly stuck to the derriere of your target.
I recently joined Twitter which is nice. Because all you can properly do is status updates, and you want to make each one count because people will stop ‘following’ you on there if you’re a boring old sod. But I’m thinking of setting up a fake profile and doing a load of crazy stuff whilst following celebrities and documenting it for some radio show. My idea is that I set up a profile as a snarky critic, just asking them negative questions and getting reactions from people in the spotlight. There’s no real point to it; it’s a virtual Dennis Pennis. With Twitter, your insignificance is magnified when you realise the gulf between you and celebrity is much bigger than you could have dreamed of. You’re there, sitting all meekly, constantly checking how many followers you have so your mundane life can be projected to more disinterested people. ’I have 6 followers, that’s like a gang’, I exclaimed. Until I saw Sylvester Stallone’s. And then I wondered: ‘when Sylvester tweets, do Looney Tunes file a lawsuit against him?’ It’s definitely worth thinking about.
This particular post has been inspired by James Joyce’s ‘Ulysses’, in that the above rant is more of a stream-of-consciousness rather than anything else. I just typed what I thought and put it in a blog, although to some extent, there was a bit of pausing just to see what I’d written wasn’t complete garbage. Half-garbage, I can deal with. Three quarters garbage is a lot, but manageable. But complete garbage? No-one wants that. Not even garbage men, ‘cos that’s forced overtime. You see, fresh blog ideas are hard to come by. Everyone else is doing topical posts, which is just laborious and only repeats what others have said, conveying news for the masses but nonetheless, it is news that has already been broadcast in a similar fashion. I suppose in that way, I’m quite selfish. I just write what I feel like. But I always have you in mind; you can always contribute. I’m actually going to write a post about your comments as soon as I have amassed enough of your thoughts in the hope that I can perhaps fashion another blog out of your deep and insightful contemplation.
