It's been around five months since I wrote my previous blog about money saving. I hope you all soiled yourself. Others might be laughing at you (and perhaps vomiting if they're close enough), but remember, you'll have the last laugh. Think of all those shiny pennies that you saved at the train station, not to mention the tips posted in the comments section below in that illustrious blog. But wait... what's that sound? Well, I'll tell you. It is the sound of the country coming out of the economic recession. Yep, all because of me.
But still, we all have our moments of idiocy. Mine has been going on for nearly five months, thinking about what to write next on this bloggy thing. I started one on reality television, and I was giving some of those shows a great verbal beating, talking about Britain's Got Talent and X-Factor, focusing mainly on the success of SuBo by saying 'She's only made one hit and released an album of work. She could only sing one song. What else did she put on there? A Tiesto remix?!' It was all going so well until The Apprentice came on and ruined everything by being a decent show. So while I was browsing my phone messages, watching YouTube on my computer, grasping an Xbox controller in the other hand, with the television sound clashing against the noise of automobiles outside, a 'Eureka!' moment occured; the onslaught of all this modern stuff provided me with this long-awaited epiphany. If you haven't guessed it by now, your moment of idiocy has not passed.
A discussion on ‘technology’. Viruses have sometimes frequented my PC and I think that's all part and parcel of the computer experience. However, the weirdest moment was when I tried to access msn.com when working for the council, only for the message 'Blocked: Pornographic content' to appear in big, bold letters. I wouldn't have minded much, but it was my second day of work and my colleague next to me just happened to turn her head towards my screen. Who knows, maybe it aided my reputation. But they didn't renew my contract, so I'll let you be the judge of that.
Anyway, I really wanted to discuss the ‘new phone’. There’s the one that sits at the top of the phone chain, also known as the iPhone. Then there’s the HTC, and that other one that’s name after a non-existent fruit (Blackberry, if you haven't already guessed). I mean, I have an iPhone and I’m sure that the person who invented the wheel wanted to make this next but just didn’t have correct tools (e.g. electricity). The App Store has been phenomenal and provided me with great apps, like the Angry Birds game, where you catapult birds into pigs (believe me, it’s a lot better than it sounds), Fruit Ninja, where you use your ninja-like capabilities to cut fruit up. My issue with Fruit Ninja was that whoever was making the fruit salad put bombs in there by mistake. But I suppose without the bombs, it’d just be a cookery app. And of course, there are your social network apps, the perfect way to regularly check how much no-one writes on your wall. So I’ll cut to the chase and present to you, the applications that should be made for the modern phone:
Punch Gok Wan repeatedly until he stops saying ‘girlfriend’
The game involves a fist, and the face of Gok Wan. By repeatedly tapping the screen, Gok will be tucking into a knuckle sandwich. You basically force feed him this delightful punch fest until it says ‘Level Complete’. The levels get more difficult as he puts on masks, until he gets to knight’s helmet.
After much consideration, I think you’d only be allowed to do the level as a female character. Otherwise, as a bloke, he’d just wear a gimp mask and you’d be forever tapping the screen. Deviant.
(I don't know if he actually says 'girlfriend' a lot. I watched the Impressions Show and made that judgement)
Food Tester 2.0
Are you worried that your milk expiry date was two days ago? What about that cucumber that has grown a Mohican? Well, look no further! Simply dip or rub the phone on the expired foodstuff and see if it’s edible enough so that it won’t leave you doubled over for a whole week (‘Food Tester 1.0’ didn’t work properly, you just looked weird when you rubbed your phone on rotten food. And it made your phone smell terrible).
Ice Pack
When you’re getting all hot (and perhaps bothered), just stick this application on and put it on your forehead. It turns into an ice block and cools you down. So if you have an injury, it can be used in the short-term for healing purposes. Sounds great. But when it melts, your phone becomes wet and unusable. And it’s not covered by insurance. I’m still working on it.
Where my dogs at? Bark with me now!
Endorsed by Lil’ Bow Wow (it’s not), it helps you find your dogs via GPS signal. It works by detecting a small chip you place on the dog. As the tagline for the app goes, ‘Pop a fully functional microchip in that ass!’
So there are the apps that I could think of, which I hope, someone will make one day. And again, the comments section is open for any app ideas you have. Something with longevity. Like the Gok app. I could play that whilst asleep. Or even a Lil' Bow Wow franchise. Like online banking on your phone with the young rapper. Tagline: 'Where my dough at? Bank with me now!'. Something cool like that.
The Gok app should never say 'Level Complete' cuz you'd never get bored of battering that Bee-Gee toothed android anyway.
ReplyDeleteAlso there should be a iUsher app for aspiring musicians. You simply record a fantastic song, with an amazing vocal and great composition, feed it in to the iUsher app and it re-masters the song so that it's an unlistenable, completely forgetable and all together ear-bleeding mess of drool that will no doubt make you millions on either the teeny-bopper scene or the 'I'm-sat-so-far-back-in-my-car-I-need-calipers-to-reach-the-steering-wheel' chart.